The thing that sometimes strikes me from reading other peoples blogs, looking at peoples facebook (and just generally being a nosey cow) is the jealously I often feel. From someone looking slim and lovely in a fab frock, or that amazing new job someone got; engagement announcements, baby announcements, new house announcements. They are all at it and I’m not ashamed to admit that I get a touch of life envy. As I get older I feel that at 27, I should have more under my belt than a series of failures, be them jobs, relationships, friendship or even loosing and gaining a large amount of weight.
Okay, my life isn’t bad. I have a great relationship now with an amazing boy, a steady job, a waterproof car (don’t underestimate the importance of this until you have a car that isn’t) and a small group of close friends. I don’t like the way my body looks but I suppose it does everything I need it too (expect look good in a pair of shorts).
Somebody recently pointed out to me that I should be grateful for all I have as there are people far worse off. But I don’t subscribe to the way of thinking - that, oh it could be worse, I could live in a third world country or be homeless; yes, these things are terrible tradgies but you cant quantify your own happiness in terms of the really bad shit that happens in the world. It doesn’t work like that. Even the richest, most successful people, I’m sure, wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and go ‘burgh!’. I’m sure they argue with their loved ones and have crappy days at work. Same as the rest of us.
I am happy with my lot, but I can’t help feeling the ‘I wants’. I want to be thinner, I want to be a kick ass derby player, I want to not crave all sugar all the god damn time, I want to able to resist the pretty dress and pay off my overdraft. I want a promotion, I want a holiday, I want a bigger house…the list could go and on and on.
Is this a bad thing though? If we didn’t feel a bit rubbish sometimes, would we be motivated to diet, exercise or work hard? If we were happy with our lot, would we strive for better?
That’s not to say I’m not happy now, after all, you cant live in a continual existence of thinking ‘I’ll be happy when’, because what? if it never comes, you’ll never be satisfied? No, what I try and do is enjoy right now, enjoy the things that *don’t* need changing. Enjoy peoples company, a nice slice of cake and cuppa, indulging in pastimes that you enjoy. I try to remember that no matter if somebody is more successful than me or thinner than me, we probably all take joy in the same basic, human things – a cwtch, a compliment, a lie in…..all things completely free of charge but worth their weigh in gold.
I really need to start thinking of goals in my life. I know I need to address some health issues (not only to benefit me physically but mentally as well), save some money and pick a bloody career and try my hardest. If I really thought about it, it would be a long list. But it’s my life and my list and hopefully one by one, I can change the ‘I want to be’s’ to the ‘I am’s.
Friday 24 August 2012
Sunday 19 August 2012
Body Issues
I don't even know if body issues is the apt term for what I have.
I'm sitting here, as I do more Sunday nights than I'd like to admit, thinking 'Okay, tomorrow is Monday, it's fresh start and I'm going to eat right this week'. In order to eat right, I need to rid my house of all the junk food so I'll just sit here and eat half a tub of ice cream.
That's so messed up.
Why is my relationship with food so destructive? Why do I eat things that are bad for me, why do I drink caffeine even though it gives me a headache, why do I just want to keep eating, even when I'm not hungry?
I lost so much weight and without noticing, without any big revelation it changed my life. I acted different, I went out, wore whatever I wanted and I didn’t care about being seen as 'the fat girl' (anybody who's been a certain size will attest to how that feels).
It was so easy to lose too. I was given an eating plan and I stuck to it. For three years, simple. And then life got messy and I ate my way through it and am three stone heavier.
I was just thinking to myself that I wanted a new jacket and went to look on Evans (because a New Look size 16 jacket is anything but -am I right?) and I wondered why I so willingly accepted this fate - why I was willing to start shopping at a plus size store. It's the first step to accepting this is my weight now. Well, no, the first step was probably what I did about a month ago. Take everything that doesn’t fit anymore (approx. 1/3 of my clothes) and bag them up for when they will again. Seeing them every day was killing me.
And yet.
I can’t do it. Since may I've tried Weight Watchers, Slimming World, harcombe and just trying to do it alone. I can't hold down any of them.
What do I do?
I'm sitting here, as I do more Sunday nights than I'd like to admit, thinking 'Okay, tomorrow is Monday, it's fresh start and I'm going to eat right this week'. In order to eat right, I need to rid my house of all the junk food so I'll just sit here and eat half a tub of ice cream.
That's so messed up.
Why is my relationship with food so destructive? Why do I eat things that are bad for me, why do I drink caffeine even though it gives me a headache, why do I just want to keep eating, even when I'm not hungry?
I lost so much weight and without noticing, without any big revelation it changed my life. I acted different, I went out, wore whatever I wanted and I didn’t care about being seen as 'the fat girl' (anybody who's been a certain size will attest to how that feels).
It was so easy to lose too. I was given an eating plan and I stuck to it. For three years, simple. And then life got messy and I ate my way through it and am three stone heavier.
I was just thinking to myself that I wanted a new jacket and went to look on Evans (because a New Look size 16 jacket is anything but -am I right?) and I wondered why I so willingly accepted this fate - why I was willing to start shopping at a plus size store. It's the first step to accepting this is my weight now. Well, no, the first step was probably what I did about a month ago. Take everything that doesn’t fit anymore (approx. 1/3 of my clothes) and bag them up for when they will again. Seeing them every day was killing me.
And yet.
I can’t do it. Since may I've tried Weight Watchers, Slimming World, harcombe and just trying to do it alone. I can't hold down any of them.
What do I do?
Monday 13 August 2012
Time
I’ve been reading a few blogs these past few weeks as inspiration to get back into it myself. Blogging is one of these things that I know I’d enjoy and get a lot out of if only I could get my bum in gear and sit down and just do it. I’ve always got an excuse – that I’m too busy, that it’s more important to cook tea/wash dishes/do laundry (delete as boringly applicable). It was the same story with my brief dalliance with knitting. Earlier this year I decided I’d love to learn to knit. I saw people creating wonderful things on Facebook and Twitter and I thought it would be nice to have a crafty hobby. I attended five beginners’ classes and got taught the basis. My boyfriend even bought me a beautiful Kath Kidson knitting bag for Valentines Day. And now? That bag sits down the side of my sofa with approximately a quarter of a scarf I started knitting months ago.
More and more, I’m feeling that I don’t make enough time for me. The hints are everywhere, that knitting bag, the pile of unread books on my bedside table, the fact that I have some serious roots coming in, that my caterpillar eyebrows are way overdue a threading and the fact that I buy loads of lovely nail polishes but very rarely have painted nails. Or maybe that my last entry here was a year ago. Possibly two.
My daily life can be broken down thusly – I get up at 7, leave at 8 for work, get back home again around 5.15. Mondays and Thursdays I have Roller Derby practice and am out of the house from 7 – 10. The two hours I have when I get home are spent cooking tea and tidying up and getting things ready for work the next day knowing that I’ll be too tired to do so when I get home. The rest of the days, I either manage to go to the gym and go home and veg out in front of the TV feeling totally wiped or I stay in, cook a big meal, eat that, feel stuffed and usually watch TV and have a cuddle with Stu (my boyfriend and I are big into box sets – we’re currently ploughing our way through Friday Night Lights) before doing more chores.
The point is that I don’t really do much with my free time. Or at least nothing creative or even ‘just because’ On weekends I have a big lie in, then Saturdays I’m normally out, visiting friends, going to roller derby bouts or just looking round the shops. Every other Sunday I visit my parents. Stu and I live an hour away from our families so we use this time to go visit and catch up and by the time we’ve done that and driven home it’s about 8pm and again, it’s mostly housework for the rest of the evening because I won’t have had time to do them over the weekend.
I feel like that I can’t sit down and blog or knit when I feel like my house is untidy or when I know I’ll need to prepare a meal. I’ve become preoccupied with spending my spare time doing something ‘worthy’ such as going to the gym. I’m a big believer in eating fresh home cooked food and the preparation and cooking of that normally takes a big chunk of time every evening. I also take a fresh lunch to work and again, that takes time.
So whilst I’m running round trying to keep my house in an acceptable state and cook nice healthy meals, I’m neglecting to just indulge in some ‘me time’. I’ve thought of some possible solutions. Perhaps getting up an hour earlier to make lunch for that day and prep veg etc for the evenings meal. It’ll save me cooking two meals in the evening and something simple like cutting out the prep will save time in the evening. I could set aside one ‘pamper’ night, choose an easy dinner to make, use a few hours to attend to my brows, paint the nails, dye my hair, take the time to have nice bath, buy myself a naughty dessert (I’m trying to eat healthy but we all need cake in our life!) and just do whatever I feel. I have a friend who’s also trying to learn to knit so we could organise knitting evenings and we can bounce off each others enthusiasm rather than just summoning my own.
When I think about it, there are pockets of time that I could use, it’s just a case of realising not all my spare time needs to be spent in some way that’s constructive or beneficial to my body, my house or my relationship. It shouldn’t be that every time I have five minutes free I’m looking round making a mental note of what needs doing and feeling guilty if I don’t do it. It’s important sometimes to sit still and have a guilt free night off, hell, more than a night, six days a week shouldn’t be pure slog. I’m going to be making a real effort and seeing what works. I suppose if this blog suddenly picks up you’ll know I’m doing something right!
Wish me luck!
xx
My daily life can be broken down thusly – I get up at 7, leave at 8 for work, get back home again around 5.15. Mondays and Thursdays I have Roller Derby practice and am out of the house from 7 – 10. The two hours I have when I get home are spent cooking tea and tidying up and getting things ready for work the next day knowing that I’ll be too tired to do so when I get home. The rest of the days, I either manage to go to the gym and go home and veg out in front of the TV feeling totally wiped or I stay in, cook a big meal, eat that, feel stuffed and usually watch TV and have a cuddle with Stu (my boyfriend and I are big into box sets – we’re currently ploughing our way through Friday Night Lights) before doing more chores.
The point is that I don’t really do much with my free time. Or at least nothing creative or even ‘just because’ On weekends I have a big lie in, then Saturdays I’m normally out, visiting friends, going to roller derby bouts or just looking round the shops. Every other Sunday I visit my parents. Stu and I live an hour away from our families so we use this time to go visit and catch up and by the time we’ve done that and driven home it’s about 8pm and again, it’s mostly housework for the rest of the evening because I won’t have had time to do them over the weekend.
I feel like that I can’t sit down and blog or knit when I feel like my house is untidy or when I know I’ll need to prepare a meal. I’ve become preoccupied with spending my spare time doing something ‘worthy’ such as going to the gym. I’m a big believer in eating fresh home cooked food and the preparation and cooking of that normally takes a big chunk of time every evening. I also take a fresh lunch to work and again, that takes time.
So whilst I’m running round trying to keep my house in an acceptable state and cook nice healthy meals, I’m neglecting to just indulge in some ‘me time’. I’ve thought of some possible solutions. Perhaps getting up an hour earlier to make lunch for that day and prep veg etc for the evenings meal. It’ll save me cooking two meals in the evening and something simple like cutting out the prep will save time in the evening. I could set aside one ‘pamper’ night, choose an easy dinner to make, use a few hours to attend to my brows, paint the nails, dye my hair, take the time to have nice bath, buy myself a naughty dessert (I’m trying to eat healthy but we all need cake in our life!) and just do whatever I feel. I have a friend who’s also trying to learn to knit so we could organise knitting evenings and we can bounce off each others enthusiasm rather than just summoning my own.
When I think about it, there are pockets of time that I could use, it’s just a case of realising not all my spare time needs to be spent in some way that’s constructive or beneficial to my body, my house or my relationship. It shouldn’t be that every time I have five minutes free I’m looking round making a mental note of what needs doing and feeling guilty if I don’t do it. It’s important sometimes to sit still and have a guilt free night off, hell, more than a night, six days a week shouldn’t be pure slog. I’m going to be making a real effort and seeing what works. I suppose if this blog suddenly picks up you’ll know I’m doing something right!
Wish me luck!
xx
Thursday 2 August 2012
Bad Blogger
I will be picking this up and dusting it off *very* shortly Y'all are way overdue an update! x
Tuesday 19 April 2011
Wednesday 13 October 2010
New Tattoo & the last few days....
Going through a plethora of change this past month. Finished in my current job last Friday. Next Monday I start as a Housing Officer down tthe YMCA. Going to be massive challenge for me, but how do we grow if we dont stretch ourselves? You'll never know what your capable of otherwise. I appricate that all sounds very.....contrived...but that's how I feel.
My last day was lovely. My collegues bought me a book on Cake Decorating and some gorgeous stuff from Accessorize. I brought them some baked treats. I made brownies (for the first time and they were freaking epic) and Red Velvet cupcakes...
I'm so getting into baking. My dream job would be to own a coffee shop, fill it with comfy sofas and cosy nooks, bookshelves filled with amazing reads and board games and just feed people gooey cakes and hot chocolate. A girl can dream huh? Lloyd bought me a piping bag and various icing tools, so I'm going to start playing around with making some proper cupcakes soon and experimenting with recipes. It's a bit of sadistic talent as I can knock up these wonderful things and due to my diet, not eat them lol.
After my last day I went for a drink with my brilliant team. Was really lovely that they made the time to spend a few hours after work. Sometimes I can be quiet and worry that people mistake it for ignorance or arrogance so it's nice to be accepted just how you are. Also spoons have started serving these really rather amazing drinks in like jam jars.....I should have a pic...*searchs*
I had to take a photo. We have four of them proudly sitting in the cupboard now!
Finally started my back piece yesterday. I was absolutely bricking it because it was a three hour session. The night before I had a nightmare that the tattooist (Maria) did it in felt pen and started scribbling it out in black and I was crying. After that lovely dream I lost all my bravado and made Kim come with me. I felt so relived when Maria showed me the design she'd put together from my ideas. It was perfect. The actual process was fine too, the back (with the expection of the shoulderblade & spine) is *much* less painful than the feet. After three hours I was glad to stop, but we got much more done than she'd anticipated. And here it is
I've got one hour booked now to finish the ones at the botttom, but we did all the outline. Should I want to expand it when I lose enough weight I can. I think it needs some more smaller flowers but we'll see. The healing is a pain, I had apply some cream myself this morning and I think strained my neck trying to do it lol. I also have to go braless around the house and try and let it get some air - that's proving difficult! It'll be worth it though when it's all finished.
It's already Wednesday - my week off is going so fast :(
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