Body Issues

I don't even know if body issues is the apt term for what I have.

I'm sitting here, as I do more Sunday nights than I'd like to admit, thinking 'Okay, tomorrow is Monday, it's fresh start and I'm going to eat right this week'. In order to eat right, I need to rid my house of all the junk food so I'll just sit here and eat half a tub of ice cream.

That's so messed up.

Why is my relationship with food so destructive? Why do I eat things that are bad for me, why do I drink caffeine even though it gives me a headache, why do I just want to keep eating, even when I'm not hungry?

I lost so much weight and without noticing, without any big revelation it changed my life. I acted different, I went out, wore whatever I wanted and I didn’t care about being seen as 'the fat girl' (anybody who's been a certain size will attest to how that feels).

It was so easy to lose too. I was given an eating plan and I stuck to it. For three years, simple. And then life got messy and I ate my way through it and am three stone heavier.

I was just thinking to myself that I wanted a new jacket and went to look on Evans (because a New Look size 16 jacket is anything but -am I right?) and I wondered why I so willingly accepted this fate - why I was willing to start shopping at a plus size store. It's the first step to accepting this is my weight now. Well, no, the first step was probably what I did about a month ago. Take everything that doesn’t fit anymore (approx. 1/3 of my clothes) and bag them up for when they will again. Seeing them every day was killing me.

And yet.

I can’t do it. Since may I've tried Weight Watchers, Slimming World, harcombe and just trying to do it alone. I can't hold down any of them.

What do I do?

Time

I’ve been reading a few blogs these past few weeks as inspiration to get back into it myself. Blogging is one of these things that I know I’d enjoy and get a lot out of if only I could get my bum in gear and sit down and just do it. I’ve always got an excuse – that I’m too busy, that it’s more important to cook tea/wash dishes/do laundry (delete as boringly applicable). It was the same story with my brief dalliance with knitting. Earlier this year I decided I’d love to learn to knit. I saw people creating wonderful things on Facebook and Twitter and I thought it would be nice to have a crafty hobby. I attended five beginners’ classes and got taught the basis. My boyfriend even bought me a beautiful Kath Kidson knitting bag for Valentines Day. And now? That bag sits down the side of my sofa with approximately a quarter of a scarf I started knitting months ago. More and more, I’m feeling that I don’t make enough time for me. The hints are everywhere, that knitting bag, the pile of unread books on my bedside table, the fact that I have some serious roots coming in, that my caterpillar eyebrows are way overdue a threading and the fact that I buy loads of lovely nail polishes but very rarely have painted nails. Or maybe that my last entry here was a year ago. Possibly two.

My daily life can be broken down thusly – I get up at 7, leave at 8 for work, get back home again around 5.15. Mondays and Thursdays I have Roller Derby practice and am out of the house from 7 – 10. The two hours I have when I get home are spent cooking tea and tidying up and getting things ready for work the next day knowing that I’ll be too tired to do so when I get home. The rest of the days, I either manage to go to the gym and go home and veg out in front of the TV feeling totally wiped or I stay in, cook a big meal, eat that, feel stuffed and usually watch TV and have a cuddle with Stu (my boyfriend and I are big into box sets – we’re currently ploughing our way through Friday Night Lights) before doing more chores.

The point is that I don’t really do much with my free time. Or at least nothing creative or even ‘just because’ On weekends I have a big lie in, then Saturdays I’m normally out, visiting friends, going to roller derby bouts or just looking round the shops. Every other Sunday I visit my parents. Stu and I live an hour away from our families so we use this time to go visit and catch up and by the time we’ve done that and driven home it’s about 8pm and again, it’s mostly housework for the rest of the evening because I won’t have had time to do them over the weekend.

I feel like that I can’t sit down and blog or knit when I feel like my house is untidy or when I know I’ll need to prepare a meal. I’ve become preoccupied with spending my spare time doing something ‘worthy’ such as going to the gym. I’m a big believer in eating fresh home cooked food and the preparation and cooking of that normally takes a big chunk of time every evening. I also take a fresh lunch to work and again, that takes time.

So whilst I’m running round trying to keep my house in an acceptable state and cook nice healthy meals, I’m neglecting to just indulge in some ‘me time’. I’ve thought of some possible solutions. Perhaps getting up an hour earlier to make lunch for that day and prep veg etc for the evenings meal. It’ll save me cooking two meals in the evening and something simple like cutting out the prep will save time in the evening. I could set aside one ‘pamper’ night, choose an easy dinner to make, use a few hours to attend to my brows, paint the nails, dye my hair, take the time to have nice bath, buy myself a naughty dessert (I’m trying to eat healthy but we all need cake in our life!) and just do whatever I feel. I have a friend who’s also trying to learn to knit so we could organise knitting evenings and we can bounce off each others enthusiasm rather than just summoning my own.

When I think about it, there are pockets of time that I could use, it’s just a case of realising not all my spare time needs to be spent in some way that’s constructive or beneficial to my body, my house or my relationship. It shouldn’t be that every time I have five minutes free I’m looking round making a mental note of what needs doing and feeling guilty if I don’t do it. It’s important sometimes to sit still and have a guilt free night off, hell, more than a night, six days a week shouldn’t be pure slog. I’m going to be making a real effort and seeing what works. I suppose if this blog suddenly picks up you’ll know I’m doing something right!

Wish me luck!

xx

Bad Blogger

I will be picking this up and dusting it off *very* shortly Y'all are way overdue an update! x

Poor neglected blog...............

I shall pick this back up very soon!

New Tattoo & the last few days....

Going through a plethora of change this past month. Finished in my current job last Friday. Next Monday I start as a Housing Officer down tthe YMCA. Going to be massive challenge for me, but how do we grow if we dont stretch ourselves? You'll never know what your capable of otherwise. I appricate that all sounds very.....contrived...but that's how I feel.

My last day was lovely. My collegues bought me a book on Cake Decorating and some gorgeous stuff from Accessorize. I brought them some baked treats. I made brownies (for the first time and they were freaking epic) and Red Velvet cupcakes...

I'm so getting into baking. My dream job would be to own a coffee shop, fill it with comfy sofas and cosy nooks, bookshelves filled with amazing reads and board games and just feed people gooey cakes and hot chocolate. A girl can dream huh? Lloyd bought me a piping bag and various icing tools, so I'm going to start playing around with making some proper cupcakes soon and experimenting with recipes. It's a bit of sadistic talent as I can knock up these wonderful things and due to my diet, not eat them lol.

After my last day I went for a drink with my brilliant team. Was really lovely that they made the time to spend a few hours after work. Sometimes I can be quiet and worry that people mistake it for ignorance or arrogance so it's nice to be accepted just how you are. Also spoons have started serving these really rather amazing drinks in like jam jars.....I should have a pic...*searchs*

I had to take a photo. We have four of them proudly sitting in the cupboard now! 

Finally started my back piece yesterday. I was absolutely bricking it because it was a three hour session. The night before I had a nightmare that the tattooist (Maria) did it in felt pen and started scribbling it out in black and I was crying. After that lovely dream I lost all my bravado and made Kim come with me. I felt so relived when Maria showed me the design she'd put together from my ideas. It was perfect. The actual process was fine too, the back (with the expection of the shoulderblade & spine) is *much* less painful than the feet. After three hours I was glad to stop, but we got much more done than she'd anticipated. And here it is

I've got one hour booked now to finish the ones at the botttom, but we did all the outline. Should I want to expand it when I lose enough weight I can. I think it needs some more smaller flowers but we'll see. The healing is a pain, I had apply some cream myself this morning and I think strained my neck trying to do it lol. I also have to go braless around the house and try and let it get some air - that's proving difficult! It'll be worth it though when it's all finished.

It's already Wednesday - my week off is going so fast :(

Love to all x x x

It's to dying in another's arms and why I had to try it
It's to Jimmy Eat World and those nights in my car
When the first star you see may not be a star
I'm not your star

A weighty issue....

I’m going to discuss weight and body image and my personal take on both. It hardly seems an important topic in the bigger picture, but both play a huge factor in the confidence and quality of life of so many people, both men and women. Of course I can only talk about my own experiences and I’m by no means right about anything (Although I only add that in the interest of fairness – I am in reality right about everything)

There seems to a common misconception in today’s society, thin = beautiful. I disagree. It’s a cliché but you can be beautiful and perfectly happy with yourself at any weight. If you’re a big girl and quite content that way then brilliant. People will argue that it’s unhealthy but what do they know? There is of course a world of difference between being overweight and being morbidly obese. If you struggle to get around and haven’t seen your feet in several years, then yeah, you should probably seek help.

It pisses me off when ill informed people judge and say that if a person is fat they must be lazy and unhealthy, honestly – stereotype much? I know bigger women who can run rings around their smaller friends. I’ve known a girl that was a size 8 that used to sit by me in work, and every morning she would systematically work her way through a pile of junk food. I don’t care that she’s thin, that cant be good for her insides! Hopefully if there’s any justice she’ll reach her 30’s and balloon…not that I’m bitter but if you mistreat your body you can’t expect it not to rebel at any point.

My point is, being overweight might put you at a higher risk of certain diseases, but so will smoking, drinking and just about everything else these days. If your active and take the time to eat well, then I think that’s all we can ask.

As long as you lead a full life, what does it matter if you wear a size 10 or a size 20? Who cares? It does take a certain kind of woman though to rise above society’s attitudes and judgements.

It’s almost like when you’re a larger than average woman, you feel the need to be living in an almost constant state of apology. ‘I’m sorry I’m eating this cake, I’ll diet tomorrow’ wash, rinse, repeat. And if it’s not your peers ramming that message down your throat, you can open a magazine, switch on the television and have it spoon fed to you. It’s like the whole world is obsessed with self improvement. When is somebody actually going to say, ‘Hey, you know what? You’re beautiful as you are’. I’m guessing that would make for a short article and not sell many magazines. Beauty is more than being thin, it’s being happy and content and you radiate it no matter what size you are.

I’ve been both sides of the scale. I’ve been a size 24 and a size 14. You might wonder why I wanted to lose weight given everything I’ve said above. I just didn’t like myself at that weight. I wasn’t strong enough to be happy in my skin at that weight. I emitted waves of vulnerability and self loathing and people pick up on that. Some people will even go so far as to use that against you, and it’s happened to me time and time again. I’ve had people who are complete strangers tell me I shouldn’t be eating that, I have indeed been given someone’s seat on the bus (incidentally – a woman’s worst nightmare. We’re not pregnant douche. Rule of thumb, unless a woman actually giving birth, never *ever* just assume she’s pregnant) I’ve had complete jerks hit on me for a joke, both talking to me and simultaneously turning round to laugh with their friends about how they’re winding up the fat chick, as if being big also meant I was too stupid to realise what was going on. I’d like to say I had the confidence to deliver a killer put down but I didn’t. I let them get to me and who knows why, for these are clearly horrible people, the worst kind of people in fact - those who get off on other peoples hurt. I only hope they grow up one day and feel ashamed of that. Somehow I doubt it.

It’s all about how you feel about yourself and I was unhappy. I had eating problems and I wasn’t feeding my body very well at all. I’ve been dieting for two years now and lost 6 stone. I’d like to lose more, but I’m happy enough at this weight. I’d like to be a bit more toned, but it’s not really important on the grand scale of things is it? I think it boils down to this, if you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see then do something about it. Same as life’s to short as worry about a few extra lb’s, life’s also too short to waste it being unhappy if those few lb’s are making you miserable.

One day I couldn’t do a pair of size 24 jeans up, I looked in the mirror (in what I should add was very unflattering changing room lighting) and wanted to cry. I think the next week I joined Slimming World and never looked back. I could have bought some size 26 jeans and merrily carried on, but when would it stop? I was eating because I was unhappy and unhappy because I was eating. God only knows where I would have ended up.

If you’ve ever been me in that changing room then you know what it’s like. Whilst I applaud anybody of any size who is body confident, if you’re deeply unhappy, enough so that it affects your day to day life and emotional wellbeing, then do something about it.

It’s not easy; I know that, as does any person whose lost weight, but it’s worth it. At least try. I’ve tried and failed more times than I can count but ultimately I wanted to be happy more than I wanted to comfort eat and continue down that path. Being overweight is not something you’re powerless to change. It’s one of the few things about your body that unless you’re unfortunate enough to having a thyroid problem or something similar, you *can* have control over.

It was right for me to lose the weight because I wasn’t naturally a bigger girl. I had issues with food and that in turn made me overweight. I was eating rubbish and hardly exercising. I simply wasn’t taking care of myself.

We see celebrities flaunt weight loss all the time. Some are so contrived that companies who sell fitness DVD’s target them. These celebrities work out with a personal trainer and eat hardly anything to achieve amazing results and flog DVD’s (Hello Hannah Waterman!) More often than not to pile the weight back on (that would be you Natalie Cassidy) and whilst I don’t begrudge them doing that, after all, they’re only human, I would take issue with them making money on the back of a plan or a regime that they themselves can’t maintain.

Some celebrities however are great weight loss inspiration. Firstly Sara Rue. You might not have heard of her, been she’s been in lots of American sitcoms. She was always the ‘big and bubbly’ character and I admired her. Recently I saw a picture of her looking slim and discovered she’d lost 50lbs. Reading up in it, it turns out that deep down she was faking that bubbliness that made her so endearing and simply wanted to feel better about herself.

 

She’s now a spokesperson for the Jenny Craig eating plan (a sort of American Slimming World) and she keeps a blog on there in which she talks about the problems she faces maintaining this loss. I think she’s a great weight loss role model, she looks good (although I think she was equally as beautiful before) and just from her stance in the second picture you can tell she’s much happier.

Ditto Kelly Osborne. Being my age and seeing her weight fluctuate in the media over the years means that I can identify with her more than any other celeb that’s been battling with their weight in the public eye.

Her transformation appeared to have been kick started by an appearance on ‘Dancing with the Stars’ and she’s maintaining her newly trim bod ever since. Curiously when trying to find a picture of Kelly, I noticed in all her before photo's she was moody and scowling but she's absolutely beaming in more recent shots. Glowing in fact. Same as with Sara Rue, she's recently commented that she's finding, in pictures she's posting to twitter etc, that she's in them a lot more. It's just one of those unconscious things that happen when you're at peace with yourself. I was trying to find an old photo of myself for my Slimming World class recently and found it hard trying to find a full length body shot - yet at the time I don't remember hiding away. Kelly has stated that she did a bikini shoot for a magazine recently and cried. She cried because she had never worn a bikini before and didn’t think she ever would. So inspiring and so easy to relate to. That’s the thing. Being bigger doesn’t have to restrict what you wear. I thought my body was repulsive and I covered it up. Reality is, you can buy a bikini any size; you just can’t buy the confidence to wear it. A certain Ms Beth Ditto will attest to that:

              

And say what you will about her, but she’s as much as a role model as Kelly Osborne or Sara Rue. After all she can’t be that unfit bounding around on stage, and she brims with fierce attitude. She’s probably happier with the way she looks than millions of girls who are currently starving themselves to reach some unattainable ideal. They may be a size 0, but when all is said and done, who leads the more satisfying life? My moneys on Beth.

I guess in a roundabout way, I think it’s all down to the individual. There are things we can do to make ourselves healthier, but to assume that fat = bad is just wrong. We need to wonder if we’re unhappy with ourselves because we’re listening to everybody else telling us what we *should* look like as opposed to feeling a genuine desire to change.

I applaud women who have the strength to seek change because is it isn’t easy. At a size 14, I should probably be smaller to be the healthiest I could be, and I’m sure one day I’ll get there. For now though I refuse to spend any more time being hard on myself whilst still on the journey. I’m not aiming to be thin, I’m aiming to be happy and healthy – and I think that’s the message we should be spreading.