2. That place in St David’s shopping centre that blends chocolate bars and desserts into milkshakes. Particularly win-some are the Oreo, Ferrero Rocher, Kinder Beuno and Lion Bar varieties.Warning – May induce diabetes.
3. Trashy American dramas and the life lessons we can take from them. My favourite one is ‘One Tree Hill’. It’s easy to dismiss these shows as irrelevant and a bit shit, but I dispute that. One Tree Hill is a good show, it has good writing, an emotional core, a brilliant music score, and fit men who often, selflessly, go topless. The plotline may be a little unbelievable but that’s beside the point, it's real value can be found in the life lessons it teaches us. These include;
- It’s okay to fall pregnant whilst still in High School so long as you’ve also gotten married whilst in High School. This means that as God was 'down with it', you’ll turn out to be a successful recording artist and your husband will become an NBA All Star and you and your perfect babies will live in a multi million pound mansion
- It’s entirely normal to see and interact with the ghosts of cast members past.
- It’s probably not a good idea to murder your brother. Even when you’ve served your time, people will still frown upon you.
- It’s also probably not a good idea to sleep with your brothers ex wife. May result in Murder (see above)
- You need not fear disease. You may have an incurable heart disease, a potentially lethal pregnancy condition or a broken back and temporary paralysis but don’t worry. They are only sent to teach you about yourself. For the most part if you are going to die it’ll be via a tragic accident or murder and you’ll never see that coming so just relax.
- Don’t worry if you’re unemployed – it’s surprisingly easy to set up your own fashion or record label, write your own book or become a sports broadcaster.
- Be wary of weddings. Things in particular to watch out for are kidnaps, ex boyfriends/girlfriends proclaiming their love for your spouse, possible death en route to honeymoon, going into labour mid ceremony (This also happens at graduation) or worst of all discovering your bride to be was in fact hired by your brother to pretend to love you. That shit hurts!
- Never hire a hot nanny. She will turn out to be insane and attempt to seduce your husband, abduct your child and kidnap and torture your father in law. You’ve been warned.
- Avoid drugs. If you so much as *think* about cocaine, you’ll become addicted. This could result in a multi episode arc of you doing shameful things before going to rehab and “getting clean”. Is that really what you want? It is accepted however that the average 20 something needs to let off steam so binge drinking is quite acceptable.
4. Edward Monkton Artwork. Because it's just amazing. Look at it!
5. Rock Music. Now, I don’t profess to be a proper metaller, nor do I have much interest in “classic” rock, and if it's German/contains mostly screaming I'm not fussed, but despite this, Rock Music (or at least my definition of it) is amazing. Proper rockers probably think I have rubbish taste in music but I care not. I’m all about 80’s cock rock and modern day punk/indie/rock. It’s best enjoyed in one of two settings – In a dark dingy rock club or full blast in your car. For the rock club setting, you need to have ingested several shots of Tequila or Jack Daniels. This is vital in enduring the smelly rock boys, the skankiness of your surroundings and the almost claustrophobic ‘dancefloor’ Indeed, once you are pissed, all these things, including the smelly rock boys will become strangely endearing.There’s nothing quite like moshing along to ‘Killing in the name’ doing your best air guitar impression and screaming ‘MOTHERFUCKER!!!!?!768!’ along with 100’s of people, and then jumping around with them all in unconcealed joy as it’s switched for some Blink 182 or old school Green Day and you’re all singing along. Amazing. Also if you can play guitar - you're hot. Fact.
If you’re driving then ‘Dad rock’ should be the soundtrack of choice. Particularly special are Meatloaf, Kiss, Bon Jovi & Journey – any of these at full blast will ensure a rockin’ and safe journey - After all, accidents don’t happen when you pray at the altar of rock.
6. T diggitys Stuffing. T diggity is my boyfriend’s dad, Terry. Every Christmas and Easter he makes the best stuffing in the world. Ever. I mean really. To satisfy his family he makes like three massive bowlfuls and we all just fight over it. We're not told what goes into it, but we *are* told it's better that way for if we knew, we wouldn’t eat it. We suspect it contains artery clogging amounts of butter but it doesn’t matter. Death would be worth it.
7. Popular science fiction TV shows and hotties resulting from them. I think it’s becoming cool to be geeky again. Shows such as Buffy, Dr Who, True Blood, Torchwood, Dollhouse and Firefly have made science fiction shows relevant again. And with this new relevance comes…..hot men! Being the hero of your own show can catapult you from humble man to apocalypse averting dreamboat. Take John barrowman for instance. In reality he’s just a very camp man with an aversion towards showtunes who oddly switches between Scottish and American accents. However, put him in military dress complete with gun and swagger and he becomes an intergalactic sex god. Ditto David Tennant. I wouldn’t look twice at him normally but when he’s in that suit, running around in his converse and generally being all tragic…well lets just say I’d have a go on his sonic screwdriver. As a general rule men also become hotter whenever they're playing Vampires – Spike from Buffy, case in point (the exception to this is Robert Pattinson who looks like a douche, vampire or not) It also works if you’re a bloke; Sarah Michelle Geller is undeniably hotter when she’s kicking demon ass and who didn’t want to bone Deanna Troy from The Next Generation? It’s a fact – Geek = Chic.
8. Primark. This one divides people. There are those who hate Primark and its ethically unsound ways and those who appreciate the brilliance of £1 pants. Guess which category I fall into. I *adore* Primark. Sure, it can get annoying when everybody is walking around in the same clothes, and actually getting through floors 1-3 is something of an ordeal, but when you emerge with your stuffed, destined to fall apart, (and may I add environmentally sound) paper bag of goodies for under £20 it’s all worth it. Of course the fashion is sometimes very hit and miss, but I’ve bought some real gems from there. I just try and blank out where it comes from. After all, ignorance is bliss and there’s a recession on!
9. New stationary. New stationary is brilliant!! I feel sad that I’m longer a student because one of the best parts of being in school was buying fresh new pens and pads. There’s something for everyone. If you’re a bit apprehensive something as simple as a new humble biro can give you kicks. For the hardcore stationary junkie there’s post it’s, tip ex pens, exotic highlighters and a variety of beautiful organisers. Little compares to the thrill of writing on the first page of a brand new ruled pad or opening up a clean diary and putting in all your dates and schedules. Stationary Mecca
10. Bacon, egg and brown sauce sandwichs. Nuff said.
xx
1 comment:
"well lets just say I’d have a go on his sonic screwdriver" amazing!
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