New Tattoo & the last few days....

Going through a plethora of change this past month. Finished in my current job last Friday. Next Monday I start as a Housing Officer down tthe YMCA. Going to be massive challenge for me, but how do we grow if we dont stretch ourselves? You'll never know what your capable of otherwise. I appricate that all sounds very.....contrived...but that's how I feel.

My last day was lovely. My collegues bought me a book on Cake Decorating and some gorgeous stuff from Accessorize. I brought them some baked treats. I made brownies (for the first time and they were freaking epic) and Red Velvet cupcakes...

I'm so getting into baking. My dream job would be to own a coffee shop, fill it with comfy sofas and cosy nooks, bookshelves filled with amazing reads and board games and just feed people gooey cakes and hot chocolate. A girl can dream huh? Lloyd bought me a piping bag and various icing tools, so I'm going to start playing around with making some proper cupcakes soon and experimenting with recipes. It's a bit of sadistic talent as I can knock up these wonderful things and due to my diet, not eat them lol.

After my last day I went for a drink with my brilliant team. Was really lovely that they made the time to spend a few hours after work. Sometimes I can be quiet and worry that people mistake it for ignorance or arrogance so it's nice to be accepted just how you are. Also spoons have started serving these really rather amazing drinks in like jam jars.....I should have a pic...*searchs*

I had to take a photo. We have four of them proudly sitting in the cupboard now! 

Finally started my back piece yesterday. I was absolutely bricking it because it was a three hour session. The night before I had a nightmare that the tattooist (Maria) did it in felt pen and started scribbling it out in black and I was crying. After that lovely dream I lost all my bravado and made Kim come with me. I felt so relived when Maria showed me the design she'd put together from my ideas. It was perfect. The actual process was fine too, the back (with the expection of the shoulderblade & spine) is *much* less painful than the feet. After three hours I was glad to stop, but we got much more done than she'd anticipated. And here it is

I've got one hour booked now to finish the ones at the botttom, but we did all the outline. Should I want to expand it when I lose enough weight I can. I think it needs some more smaller flowers but we'll see. The healing is a pain, I had apply some cream myself this morning and I think strained my neck trying to do it lol. I also have to go braless around the house and try and let it get some air - that's proving difficult! It'll be worth it though when it's all finished.

It's already Wednesday - my week off is going so fast :(

Love to all x x x

It's to dying in another's arms and why I had to try it
It's to Jimmy Eat World and those nights in my car
When the first star you see may not be a star
I'm not your star

A weighty issue....

I’m going to discuss weight and body image and my personal take on both. It hardly seems an important topic in the bigger picture, but both play a huge factor in the confidence and quality of life of so many people, both men and women. Of course I can only talk about my own experiences and I’m by no means right about anything (Although I only add that in the interest of fairness – I am in reality right about everything)

There seems to a common misconception in today’s society, thin = beautiful. I disagree. It’s a cliché but you can be beautiful and perfectly happy with yourself at any weight. If you’re a big girl and quite content that way then brilliant. People will argue that it’s unhealthy but what do they know? There is of course a world of difference between being overweight and being morbidly obese. If you struggle to get around and haven’t seen your feet in several years, then yeah, you should probably seek help.

It pisses me off when ill informed people judge and say that if a person is fat they must be lazy and unhealthy, honestly – stereotype much? I know bigger women who can run rings around their smaller friends. I’ve known a girl that was a size 8 that used to sit by me in work, and every morning she would systematically work her way through a pile of junk food. I don’t care that she’s thin, that cant be good for her insides! Hopefully if there’s any justice she’ll reach her 30’s and balloon…not that I’m bitter but if you mistreat your body you can’t expect it not to rebel at any point.

My point is, being overweight might put you at a higher risk of certain diseases, but so will smoking, drinking and just about everything else these days. If your active and take the time to eat well, then I think that’s all we can ask.

As long as you lead a full life, what does it matter if you wear a size 10 or a size 20? Who cares? It does take a certain kind of woman though to rise above society’s attitudes and judgements.

It’s almost like when you’re a larger than average woman, you feel the need to be living in an almost constant state of apology. ‘I’m sorry I’m eating this cake, I’ll diet tomorrow’ wash, rinse, repeat. And if it’s not your peers ramming that message down your throat, you can open a magazine, switch on the television and have it spoon fed to you. It’s like the whole world is obsessed with self improvement. When is somebody actually going to say, ‘Hey, you know what? You’re beautiful as you are’. I’m guessing that would make for a short article and not sell many magazines. Beauty is more than being thin, it’s being happy and content and you radiate it no matter what size you are.

I’ve been both sides of the scale. I’ve been a size 24 and a size 14. You might wonder why I wanted to lose weight given everything I’ve said above. I just didn’t like myself at that weight. I wasn’t strong enough to be happy in my skin at that weight. I emitted waves of vulnerability and self loathing and people pick up on that. Some people will even go so far as to use that against you, and it’s happened to me time and time again. I’ve had people who are complete strangers tell me I shouldn’t be eating that, I have indeed been given someone’s seat on the bus (incidentally – a woman’s worst nightmare. We’re not pregnant douche. Rule of thumb, unless a woman actually giving birth, never *ever* just assume she’s pregnant) I’ve had complete jerks hit on me for a joke, both talking to me and simultaneously turning round to laugh with their friends about how they’re winding up the fat chick, as if being big also meant I was too stupid to realise what was going on. I’d like to say I had the confidence to deliver a killer put down but I didn’t. I let them get to me and who knows why, for these are clearly horrible people, the worst kind of people in fact - those who get off on other peoples hurt. I only hope they grow up one day and feel ashamed of that. Somehow I doubt it.

It’s all about how you feel about yourself and I was unhappy. I had eating problems and I wasn’t feeding my body very well at all. I’ve been dieting for two years now and lost 6 stone. I’d like to lose more, but I’m happy enough at this weight. I’d like to be a bit more toned, but it’s not really important on the grand scale of things is it? I think it boils down to this, if you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see then do something about it. Same as life’s to short as worry about a few extra lb’s, life’s also too short to waste it being unhappy if those few lb’s are making you miserable.

One day I couldn’t do a pair of size 24 jeans up, I looked in the mirror (in what I should add was very unflattering changing room lighting) and wanted to cry. I think the next week I joined Slimming World and never looked back. I could have bought some size 26 jeans and merrily carried on, but when would it stop? I was eating because I was unhappy and unhappy because I was eating. God only knows where I would have ended up.

If you’ve ever been me in that changing room then you know what it’s like. Whilst I applaud anybody of any size who is body confident, if you’re deeply unhappy, enough so that it affects your day to day life and emotional wellbeing, then do something about it.

It’s not easy; I know that, as does any person whose lost weight, but it’s worth it. At least try. I’ve tried and failed more times than I can count but ultimately I wanted to be happy more than I wanted to comfort eat and continue down that path. Being overweight is not something you’re powerless to change. It’s one of the few things about your body that unless you’re unfortunate enough to having a thyroid problem or something similar, you *can* have control over.

It was right for me to lose the weight because I wasn’t naturally a bigger girl. I had issues with food and that in turn made me overweight. I was eating rubbish and hardly exercising. I simply wasn’t taking care of myself.

We see celebrities flaunt weight loss all the time. Some are so contrived that companies who sell fitness DVD’s target them. These celebrities work out with a personal trainer and eat hardly anything to achieve amazing results and flog DVD’s (Hello Hannah Waterman!) More often than not to pile the weight back on (that would be you Natalie Cassidy) and whilst I don’t begrudge them doing that, after all, they’re only human, I would take issue with them making money on the back of a plan or a regime that they themselves can’t maintain.

Some celebrities however are great weight loss inspiration. Firstly Sara Rue. You might not have heard of her, been she’s been in lots of American sitcoms. She was always the ‘big and bubbly’ character and I admired her. Recently I saw a picture of her looking slim and discovered she’d lost 50lbs. Reading up in it, it turns out that deep down she was faking that bubbliness that made her so endearing and simply wanted to feel better about herself.

 

She’s now a spokesperson for the Jenny Craig eating plan (a sort of American Slimming World) and she keeps a blog on there in which she talks about the problems she faces maintaining this loss. I think she’s a great weight loss role model, she looks good (although I think she was equally as beautiful before) and just from her stance in the second picture you can tell she’s much happier.

Ditto Kelly Osborne. Being my age and seeing her weight fluctuate in the media over the years means that I can identify with her more than any other celeb that’s been battling with their weight in the public eye.

Her transformation appeared to have been kick started by an appearance on ‘Dancing with the Stars’ and she’s maintaining her newly trim bod ever since. Curiously when trying to find a picture of Kelly, I noticed in all her before photo's she was moody and scowling but she's absolutely beaming in more recent shots. Glowing in fact. Same as with Sara Rue, she's recently commented that she's finding, in pictures she's posting to twitter etc, that she's in them a lot more. It's just one of those unconscious things that happen when you're at peace with yourself. I was trying to find an old photo of myself for my Slimming World class recently and found it hard trying to find a full length body shot - yet at the time I don't remember hiding away. Kelly has stated that she did a bikini shoot for a magazine recently and cried. She cried because she had never worn a bikini before and didn’t think she ever would. So inspiring and so easy to relate to. That’s the thing. Being bigger doesn’t have to restrict what you wear. I thought my body was repulsive and I covered it up. Reality is, you can buy a bikini any size; you just can’t buy the confidence to wear it. A certain Ms Beth Ditto will attest to that:

              

And say what you will about her, but she’s as much as a role model as Kelly Osborne or Sara Rue. After all she can’t be that unfit bounding around on stage, and she brims with fierce attitude. She’s probably happier with the way she looks than millions of girls who are currently starving themselves to reach some unattainable ideal. They may be a size 0, but when all is said and done, who leads the more satisfying life? My moneys on Beth.

I guess in a roundabout way, I think it’s all down to the individual. There are things we can do to make ourselves healthier, but to assume that fat = bad is just wrong. We need to wonder if we’re unhappy with ourselves because we’re listening to everybody else telling us what we *should* look like as opposed to feeling a genuine desire to change.

I applaud women who have the strength to seek change because is it isn’t easy. At a size 14, I should probably be smaller to be the healthiest I could be, and I’m sure one day I’ll get there. For now though I refuse to spend any more time being hard on myself whilst still on the journey. I’m not aiming to be thin, I’m aiming to be happy and healthy – and I think that’s the message we should be spreading.

Things that are win #1 (a list mostly comprised of food)

1. Tea. Tea is not just win, its epic win and thus first on my list.  My tea needs to be made with at least three teaspoons of artificial sweetener so it’s all foamy. Sometimes I think it actually bubbles…..I can’t actually drink foamless tea now which is kind of worrying. I’m concerned that it’s becoming like my own personal crack habit. Artificial sweetener, or more specifically aspartame, as well as being quite addictive, will apparently cause me to grow three heads one day so I've enforced a two cup limit. I like to think drinking such a dangerous substance makes me a rebel, I laugh in the face of possible tumours! Bet hey, the alternative is sugar which contains more calories and is strictly verboten on my diet. The first one of the morning (and the subsequent false chemically induced sugar rush) is particularly immense. For the rest of the day, I have to get my aspartame kick from diet coke which just isnt the same *sad face*

2.  That place in St David’s shopping centre that blends chocolate bars and desserts  into milkshakes. Particularly win-some are the Oreo, Ferrero Rocher, Kinder Beuno and Lion Bar varieties.Warning – May induce diabetes.

3. Trashy American dramas and the life lessons we can take from them. My favourite one is ‘One Tree Hill’. It’s easy to dismiss these shows as irrelevant and a bit shit, but I dispute that. One Tree Hill is a good show, it has good writing, an emotional core, a brilliant music score, and fit men who often, selflessly, go topless. The plotline may be a little unbelievable but that’s beside the point, it's real value can be found in the life lessons it teaches us. These include; 

• It’s okay to fall pregnant whilst still in High School so long as you’ve also gotten married whilst in High School. This means that as God was  'down with it',  you’ll turn out to be a successful recording artist and your husband will become an NBA All Star and you and your perfect babies will live in a multi million pound mansion
• It’s entirely normal to see and interact with the ghosts of cast members past.
• It’s probably not a good idea to murder your brother. Even when you’ve served your time, people will still frown upon you.
• It’s also probably not a good idea to sleep with your brothers ex wife. May result in Murder (see above)
• You need not fear disease. You may have an incurable heart disease, a potentially lethal pregnancy condition or a broken back and temporary paralysis but don’t worry. They are only sent to teach you about yourself. For the most part if you are going to die it’ll be via a tragic accident or murder and you’ll never see that coming so just relax.
• Don’t worry if you’re unemployed – it’s surprisingly easy to set up your own fashion or record label, write your own book or become a sports broadcaster.
• Be wary of weddings. Things in particular to watch out for are kidnaps, ex boyfriends/girlfriends proclaiming their love for your spouse, possible death en route to honeymoon, going into labour mid ceremony (This also happens at graduation) or worst of all discovering your bride to be was in fact hired by your brother to pretend to love you. That shit hurts!
• Never hire a hot nanny. She will turn out to be insane and attempt to seduce your husband, abduct your child and kidnap and torture your father in law. You’ve been warned.
• Avoid drugs. If you so much as *think* about cocaine, you’ll become addicted. This could result in a multi episode arc of you doing shameful things before going to rehab and “getting clean”. Is that really what you want? It is accepted however that the average 20 something needs to let off steam so binge drinking is quite acceptable.

4. Edward Monkton Artwork. Because it's just amazing. Look at it!

                                                

                                        

                                              

5. Rock Music. Now, I don’t profess to be a proper metaller, nor do I have much interest in “classic” rock, and if it's German/contains mostly screaming I'm not fussed, but despite this, Rock Music (or at least my definition of it) is amazing. Proper rockers probably think I have rubbish taste in music but I care not. I’m all about 80’s cock rock and modern day punk/indie/rock. It’s best enjoyed in one of two settings – In a dark dingy rock club or full blast in your car. For the rock club setting, you need to have ingested several shots of Tequila or Jack Daniels. This is vital in enduring the smelly rock boys, the skankiness of your surroundings  and the almost claustrophobic ‘dancefloor’ Indeed, once you are pissed, all these things, including the smelly rock boys will become strangely endearing.There’s nothing quite like moshing along to ‘Killing in the name’ doing your best air guitar impression and screaming ‘MOTHERFUCKER!!!!?!768!’  along with 100’s of people, and then jumping around with them all in unconcealed joy as it’s switched for some Blink 182 or old school Green Day and you’re all singing along. Amazing. Also if you can play guitar - you're hot. Fact.

If you’re driving then ‘Dad rock’ should be the soundtrack of choice. Particularly special are Meatloaf, Kiss, Bon Jovi & Journey – any of these at full blast will ensure a rockin’ and safe journey - After all, accidents don’t happen when you pray at the altar of rock.

6. T diggitys Stuffing. T diggity is my boyfriend’s dad, Terry. Every Christmas and Easter he makes the best stuffing in the world. Ever. I mean really. To satisfy his family he makes like three massive bowlfuls and we all just fight over it. We're not told what goes into it, but we *are* told it's better that way for if we knew, we wouldn’t eat it. We suspect it contains artery clogging amounts of butter but it doesn’t matter. Death would be worth it.

7. Popular science fiction TV shows and hotties resulting from them. I think it’s becoming cool to be geeky again. Shows such as Buffy, Dr Who, True Blood, Torchwood, Dollhouse and Firefly have made science fiction shows relevant again. And with this new relevance comes…..hot men! Being the hero of your own show can catapult you from humble man to apocalypse averting dreamboat. Take John  barrowman for instance. In reality he’s just a very camp man with an aversion towards showtunes who oddly switches between Scottish and American accents. However, put him in military dress complete with gun and swagger and he becomes an intergalactic sex god. Ditto David Tennant. I wouldn’t look twice at him normally but when he’s in that suit, running around in his converse and generally being all tragic…well lets just say I’d have a go on his sonic screwdriver. As a general rule men also become hotter whenever they're playing Vampires – Spike from Buffy, case in point (the exception to this is Robert Pattinson who looks like a douche, vampire or not) It also works if you’re a bloke; Sarah Michelle Geller is undeniably hotter when she’s kicking demon ass and who didn’t want to bone Deanna Troy from The Next Generation? It’s a fact – Geek = Chic.

8. Primark. This one divides people. There are those who hate Primark and its ethically unsound ways and those who appreciate the brilliance of £1 pants. Guess which category I fall into. I *adore* Primark. Sure, it can get annoying when everybody is walking around in the same clothes, and actually getting through floors 1-3 is something of an ordeal, but when you emerge with your stuffed, destined to fall apart, (and may I add environmentally sound) paper bag of goodies for under £20 it’s all worth it. Of course the fashion is sometimes very hit and miss, but I’ve bought some real gems from there. I just try and blank out where it comes from. After all, ignorance is bliss and there’s a recession on!

9. New stationary. New stationary is brilliant!! I feel sad that I’m longer a student because one of the best parts of being in school was buying fresh new pens and pads. There’s something for everyone. If you’re a bit apprehensive something as simple as a new humble biro can give you kicks. For the hardcore stationary junkie there’s post it’s, tip ex pens, exotic highlighters and a variety of beautiful organisers. Little compares to the thrill of writing on the first page of a brand new ruled pad or opening up a clean diary and putting in all your dates and schedules. Stationary Mecca is a little haven called Paperchase, it’s kind of like the Gucci of stationary. Since I have little need for such an array of supplies these days, instead I like to go and admire their wares like a strange stationary fetishist. Well, we all get our kicks somehow….right?

10. Bacon, egg and brown sauce sandwichs. Nuff said.

xx

Things I love #1 - Roller Derby

Roller Derby. I’d never heard of it before April of this year. Then one Sunday afternoon my boyfriend and I took a trip to the cinema to see ‘Whip it’. I didn’t really know what it was about, but Ellen Page and Drew Barrymore were in it, and having adored ‘Juno’ and having a lady crush on Ms Barrymore, we gave it a go.

I came out of there two hours later literally buzzing. And it’s pathetic to admit that a film had such an effect on me but it did.

It hasn’t been the easiest of years. In some respects it had been amazing but something was missing from my life. One of those situations whereby I should have had enough to be happy, but I didn’t.

I’ve lost a lot of friends in the past few years, some friendships fell victim to growing up & some went by the wayside after a split with my ex. I have some amazing friends, but I don’t see them as often as I like, and they’re not a group of best friends like I’d been used to before, they’re scattered all around the place. I have a gorgeous boyfriend, but socially, I get lonely sometimes. I felt as if I had a hole in my life that these lost friendships used to fill and I didn’t know what could replace that.

Perhaps that’s why the film spoke to me. Not only did Bliss find something she was good at, she was part of something. I wanted to be part of something. Growing up, I’d never been into sports. I was the stereotypical ‘last kid picked for the team’  I had a weight problem until very recently & didn’t really have confidence to pursue anything sporty. But losing weight removed that excuse and in order to maintain this weight I needed to get more active and Roller Derby, as well as providing the benefits of being part of a team, burns some wicked calories.

The next day, still brimming with enthusiasm, I googled ‘Roller Derby Cardiff’ and started doing some research. Roller Derby, for the uninitiated, is a full contact woman’s sport. The game is based on formation roller skating around an oval track by two teams; points are scored as the designated scoring player  ‘the jammer’ of both teams each laps members of the opposing team. These members are called Blockers and it’s basically their job to prevent the jammer breaking through the pack and scoring points. It started back at the beginning of the 1900’s and in the last ten years is experiencing something of a resurrgance.

                                                Old school Roller girl!

Nowadays it’s got kind of a punk image and true to form, a lot of the girls are alternative and have lots of tattoos etc. But look deeper into it, and there’s girls of all shapes and sizes skating and that’s whats so brilliant about it. If your small and nimble, you’re going to be a wicked Jammer. Got a bit of booty? Then you’ll be a kick ass blocker.

 My research threw up a news article regarding the Cardiff Dragon Dolls. I was a bit stunned to find a team, thinking it would be a very underground sport. Turned out that the dolls had already held a recruitment day two days earlier which I had missed. Not to be deterred, I looked them up on facebook, left a message and made plans to show up next Saturday. That gave me a week to stew and talk myself out of it – which I very nearly did. But I remembered how inspired I was after that seeing the film and Saturday morning I drove myself to the Star Centre in Splott, not knowing what to expect.

Upon arrival, I found two other obvious newbie’s loitering around. I clung to them and together we went into the main Hall. I was handed some skates, a variety of pads and a helmet. After about six hours I was padded up and like a retarded Bambi on ice made my way across to a corner where the other fresh meat was lined up against the wall.

For the next hour I threw myself at the floor in a variety of interesting ways and played some playground games on skates. I was hooked. I spent the next week in agony with my jelly legs (A side effect of not wearing roller skates in over ten years) but I soon adapted.

Fast forward to today and my skills are growing. For the past few months we’ve had a brilliant coach and I feel like I’m really starting to progress. Because I’m a big girl, I’m learning to play as a blocker, trying to put politeness aside and just deliver good hits and be ruthless.

I’m still with the Dolls. Some of the members are forming a new team because the management sucks and I’m giving that a go. We’re not a very ‘together’ team at the moment but I’m hoping the new team really get their act together and make it feel more like a collective. I think once we start playing bouts it'll take off then.

I don’t know if it’s filled the gap that I once felt I had. But if nothing else, it’s given me a new passion and a skill and I’ve met some brilliant people even if it’s not the ‘Go Team!’ ethos that ‘Whip it’ sold to me. I love dressing a bit more punk, obtaining a stupid amount of tube socks, having an alter ego to blame to fouls on & actually enjoy falling on my ass so I can have a bruise (or derby kiss) to be proud of. I love the adrenaline and the feeling of accomplishment – of mastering a new move and perfecting it. The teams not perfect but I like the support that we give each other, the cheers when someone delivers a particularly good block and the high fives when another girl does a particularly radical jump.

I don’t know what my derby future holds, but I’m determined to continue and be the best skater I can be :D

"Life is a constantly morphing thing. Just when you think you know where it's all headed you wake up the next morning to a completely different view. The landscape has changed along with the seasons, but the trees are the same trees, only your view has changed. So you try to cling to the old things that used to comfort you, clinging to the familiar, but they provide little or no solace. The fears do not subside. At this point we have no choice but to surrender to the unknown.

That is where the real beauty lies.

It is not in the knowing, the familiar, the expected. But in the embracing of the unknown. A willingness to walk down a new path and to trust that everything is as it should be. perfect. as it is.


- Keri Smith - Life is a constantly morphing thing

Something cute to begin with...