Body Issues

I don't even know if body issues is the apt term for what I have.

I'm sitting here, as I do more Sunday nights than I'd like to admit, thinking 'Okay, tomorrow is Monday, it's fresh start and I'm going to eat right this week'. In order to eat right, I need to rid my house of all the junk food so I'll just sit here and eat half a tub of ice cream.

That's so messed up.

Why is my relationship with food so destructive? Why do I eat things that are bad for me, why do I drink caffeine even though it gives me a headache, why do I just want to keep eating, even when I'm not hungry?

I lost so much weight and without noticing, without any big revelation it changed my life. I acted different, I went out, wore whatever I wanted and I didn’t care about being seen as 'the fat girl' (anybody who's been a certain size will attest to how that feels).

It was so easy to lose too. I was given an eating plan and I stuck to it. For three years, simple. And then life got messy and I ate my way through it and am three stone heavier.

I was just thinking to myself that I wanted a new jacket and went to look on Evans (because a New Look size 16 jacket is anything but -am I right?) and I wondered why I so willingly accepted this fate - why I was willing to start shopping at a plus size store. It's the first step to accepting this is my weight now. Well, no, the first step was probably what I did about a month ago. Take everything that doesn’t fit anymore (approx. 1/3 of my clothes) and bag them up for when they will again. Seeing them every day was killing me.

And yet.

I can’t do it. Since may I've tried Weight Watchers, Slimming World, harcombe and just trying to do it alone. I can't hold down any of them.

What do I do?