The want to be’s

The thing that sometimes strikes me from reading other peoples blogs, looking at peoples facebook (and just generally being a nosey cow) is the jealously I often feel. From someone looking slim and lovely in a fab frock, or that amazing new job someone got; engagement announcements, baby announcements, new house announcements. They are all at it and I’m not ashamed to admit that I get a touch of life envy. As I get older I feel that at 27, I should have more under my belt than a series of failures, be them jobs, relationships, friendship or even loosing and gaining a large amount of weight. Okay, my life isn’t bad. I have a great relationship now with an amazing boy, a steady job, a waterproof car (don’t underestimate the importance of this until you have a car that isn’t) and a small group of close friends. I don’t like the way my body looks but I suppose it does everything I need it too (expect look good in a pair of shorts).

Somebody recently pointed out to me that I should be grateful for all I have as there are people far worse off. But I don’t subscribe to the way of thinking - that, oh it could be worse, I could live in a third world country or be homeless; yes, these things are terrible tradgies but you cant quantify your own happiness in terms of the really bad shit that happens in the world. It doesn’t work like that. Even the richest, most successful people, I’m sure, wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and go ‘burgh!’. I’m sure they argue with their loved ones and have crappy days at work. Same as the rest of us.

I am happy with my lot, but I can’t help feeling the ‘I wants’. I want to be thinner, I want to be a kick ass derby player, I want to not crave all sugar all the god damn time, I want to able to resist the pretty dress and pay off my overdraft. I want a promotion, I want a holiday, I want a bigger house…the list could go and on and on. Is this a bad thing though? If we didn’t feel a bit rubbish sometimes, would we be motivated to diet, exercise or work hard? If we were happy with our lot, would we strive for better?

That’s not to say I’m not happy now, after all, you cant live in a continual existence of thinking ‘I’ll be happy when’, because what? if it never comes, you’ll never be satisfied? No, what I try and do is enjoy right now, enjoy the things that *don’t* need changing. Enjoy peoples company, a nice slice of cake and cuppa, indulging in pastimes that you enjoy. I try to remember that no matter if somebody is more successful than me or thinner than me, we probably all take joy in the same basic, human things – a cwtch, a compliment, a lie in…..all things completely free of charge but worth their weigh in gold.

I really need to start thinking of goals in my life. I know I need to address some health issues (not only to benefit me physically but mentally as well), save some money and pick a bloody career and try my hardest. If I really thought about it, it would be a long list. But it’s my life and my list and hopefully one by one, I can change the ‘I want to be’s’ to the ‘I am’s.